We received a complaint letter a few years ago. You have to appreciate when it’s witty and cleverly written.

Dear Julian,

I just tried to call you, but there was no answer. I suspect this was because it is 6:00 AM and you are tucked up in bed – as was I until about 10 minutes ago when one of you smart vans pulled up outside London House restaurant in Battersea Square and began to clean the awnings with all sorts of wonderful high pressure pumps.

You and your team all look like very nice people and clearly you have an excellent operation – your vans are smart, your pumps make a fine noise and a lot of soap flies about. Even your driver/awning-cleaner was as polite as can be when I opened my window and asked him what the hell he was doing making such an infernal noise outside a building where, until recently, abut 40 people were fast asleep, in a square where fully 60 more were coming to there senses and thinking “what the !#@%?”. He apologized, saying it was his first time on this job and this was when he had been scheduled. He said he would tell the office. Anyway, he was very polite, which is always pleasing in this day and age, but told me he would be about 45 minutes and carried on performing his job with gusto. He ignored my suggestion that he go and find a nice warm cafe and have a bacon sarnie for an hour or so. He will go far, that one.

By this time, the noise of the pumps and awning fabric being assaulted at high pressure was ricocheting and amplifying around Battersea square in a way that would have fascinated anyone interested in acoustics. I measured it at 75 decibels (yes, there’s an App for that) which I can assure you it is not possible to sleep through. Windows were flying up everywhere in utter amazement at the thoughtless scheduling. I am perfectly sure that you yourself would be very unhappy to experience industrial awning cleaning outside your bedroom at 6:00 AM, especially if you had jet lag, and even more so if it made your wife extremely cross (which it has mine). So I wonder if you could convey to your efficient looking team of David, Sandra, Lara and Gale, that this is a very bad time indeed to clean awnings that are attached to a lot of sleeping people.

If they would make a note that Gordon Ramsay’s London House restaurant awnings should not, in future, be attacked until at least 8am, I think you will find that a lot of people who live here will be very happy indeed.

And if I ever have awnings that need cleaning, you will be the first to know.

With kind regards,
Richard Weston-Smith

Dear Mr. Weston-Smith,

Thank you for taking the time to email us and I am so very sorry for the inconvenience and disturbance caused to you and your family this morning.

Unfortunately we are obliged by the council to carry out our work at that very early hour but can assure you that any future cleans on Battersea Square will be carried out after 8.00am.

By way of an apology on behalf of Calabash, we will drop round a bottle or two of wine (in recompense for your rude awakening this morning) for you to share with your wife. Please could let me know when it would be convenient to drop it off.

Again I hope you will accept our sincere apologies,

With best wishes,
Julian Hill

Dear Julian,

What an excellent response! I certainly accept your apology and must commend you on your level of customer service.

With many thanks for being so considerate.

With kind regards,
Richard Weston-Smith